I spent yesterday evening with my favourite small friend and a two year old Jack Russell.
Unfortunately I was wearing my pretend fur coat. It's purple and no, as somebody once asked me, it was never anything that walked about. Purple rats, I don't think so. Jack Russell, bright as he is, decided that I was a large purple labrador or something heading in that direction and did everything to attract my attention. He gnawed my knuckles, scurried sixteen times around the living room to prove what a big catch he really is and kept leaping up to glimpse this wonderful creature who had invaded his space.
I had, unthinking that I was going to attract all this attention, worn a lovely green wool dress, Asda, £15 and expensive black tights, M&S, £12. They are meant to show that I have no tummy and no bottom. Alas, at both back and front I have expanded and had to keep pulling them back up to my waist. I think medium sized would have done. So even when the fur coat disappeared into the wilds of the hall, Jack Russell thought my toes were for nibbling and my black knees enticed him. I told him how expensive the ensemble was but nothing would prevent him.
To the school gates, therefore and there, oh, heaven, a very beautiful cavalier spaniel. Fortunately she was not in the delicate state that might attract him but did that make any difference? He kept trying to lunge to reach her. Luckily I am adept with expanding leads and it did him no good. She was black and tan, knew how gorgeous she was, and her fan club, children and mothers alike, kept coming over and telling her how lovely she was and cuddling her small squashed face. Jack, ignored, and unaware of how small and bristly haired he really is, was jealous and howled.
All the way home he stopped at every leaf, every muddy patch and I had to explain that we really couldn't go any faster because Jack knew that ten minutes earlier a french poodle had stopped in exactly that place.
We had a lovely evening, helped forward by Domino's, don't you just love it when you ring up and they deliver? Thank God I wasn't born sooner! Also a couple of large glasses of Prosecco. Me, not Jack. We played Gruffalo dominoes, cleverly and unwittingly bought by me a while back, made up a large dinosaur jigsaw, most of which we needed help with as I am dinosaur stupid and can't tell a tyrannosaurus from a box of playing cards. We played a mysterious fairy game where you give up your wobbly teeth for golden coins. Very complicated. Some idiot obviously thought that one up when he was drunk. Good thing I never took to gambling and such, I am useless at it.
Jack never quite gave up on my attraction and ended up chewing to pieces of the see through case in which I keep my green reading glasses. Believe me, it was a small price to pay. When Mummy came home my fascination for everybody was lost and I went home in Paddy's Cab.
We did have a wobbly moment over snakes and ladders when we noticed that there were more snakes than ladders, and decided that yes, life is rather like that.